How does this sound for a better topic sentence?
Thesis: The German immigrants, whom founded Frankenmuth, drastically altered their work force due to the collapse of the community's two largest industries, lumber and beer production. The community's dynamic changed, forcing the town to unite under one industry - tourism. This union forced workers to "re-tool", reshape, and rethink the town's potential as well as each individual's ability within the town's framwork.
hey i am not exactly sure of your previous thesis but this one definitely seems great, it is very specific and i can tell what you're going to talk about in the rest of your paper!
ReplyDeleteAgreed, I'm not sure what your other theis looked like but this thesis definitely works. It is put together nicely, and I also can tell what the rest of yoour paper will be about.
ReplyDeleteHey! I am glad that you got to use Frankenmouth after all! I like where your thesis is going! What caused the beer industry to collapse?
ReplyDeleteIt sounds great! I just notices a couple things that might help, take them with a grain of salt, I'm pick about word choice and grammar.
ReplyDeleteDouble check the rules for who/whom
See if you can rework the first sentence. You have a lot of commas that probably aren't necessary. It reads a bit awkward to me.
Also, is there a reason retool is in quotations? You have re, re, re but only the first is different.
Thanks for the help. It is good to know that I am working in the right direction.
ReplyDelete